Knowing that your Broken. A post biographical revelation.

*Knowing that your Broken.
I have spent many an hour sifting through the bits and pieces of me I find littering a life’s worth of memory to truly understand how I got to the Me I am today. From this refuse I constructed the best likeness I could, and chronicled its details in a work that was suppose to help me assuage the terrible regret of so much of a life lived that I would have lived so much differently.. had I just gotten sleep. It was supposed to bring me peace.. It did not. In the end .. I was beset with so much hate and loathing of the man I had been, a man I did not choose to be, but the man I had been all the same. There was no redemption.. no utopic self actualization that would at long last absolve me of my failings, transgressions, and the most painful of missed chances.
In the end.. I remained little more than a man, whom had known 10,000 sleepless nights. That’s when I knew .. that meant I was just simply broken. The most excruciating part of that .. is to be able now to see just what that means.. what I have lost. The most ironic reward of the sleep now mine that was once long denied.. is the clear and certain knowledge of what it cost me.
(*) written months after completing 10,000 Sleepless nights.
I have now posted several excerpts from 10,000 Sleepless Nights, and Feel that I should clarify just what it is.
It is, for lack of a better term, a biographical work. Though I will tell any who now read in earnest, that it was a soul searching catharsis. Here is something that might explain it better.
An open letter to the past.
by Sam Bailey (Notes) on Sunday, March 22, 2009
I am no longer  that which I was.
I am not the same.
Statements which those who Know regret wish could be said in the absolute.
I can.
In 2007  I learned i have suffered a stroke of the Pons… the brainstem… at some point in my childhood.  The effect of this had damaged my reticular activation system.. and due to this I suffered from severe Hypoxic sleep apnea…
when I fall asleep….. I stop breathing.
My brain, and the body it led, was starved of oxygen each night, and the blessing of sleep and dreams that shape us was almost never mine.
The person I was, a sorry man with a broken mind who hurt and wronged so many, was real.
Then came the awakening.
The apnea was treated..  My brain  and body where no longer denied breath, and dreams came and at last I began to heal…
Then came the regret.
Every memory was still mine, but I became aware of the altered state that was my reality….for though I am that man no longer… he was still once me.
For those I have Hurt…I would ask for your forgiveness…
For those that I have wronged.. I would make right that which I have done.. If Time rewards me enough days.
For those that have never left me… I can say I have known Love and friendship in a way that few can believe.
For those that once knew ME… do so again.

4 thoughts on “Knowing that your Broken. A post biographical revelation.

  1. Pingback: A memory of wounds…Let it rain.(Excerpt From 10,000 Sleepless Nights) | What Say you

  2. Pingback: Unknown Unto Dust.. (Excerpt from 10,000 Sleepless Nights) | What Say you

  3. Pingback: 60 days of no Sleep for the Late king of Pop.. Try 10,000… | What Say you

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