In this moment, this is my life… I will never be the same.. in fact.. I can’t even say what I am right now, to proffer any comparison is to what I will be beyond this moment.. I just know that in the quiet whatever I was.. still stirs here.. I just don’t know If could recognize if I tried.
We have all been in that place, where just before, or just after, our lives have been thunder struck with something that will forever change every thought we have, every memory we possess, and every reason for either, and the force of it all makes just lay quiet a while, and think.
We are not resigned, scared, contemplative, or even at peace with it. Instead we are like the palm tree just before the tsunami strikes.
We Register that it will make no difference how we would respond, the results will be the same. So we simply ….wait.
Is it our need to find power in powerlessness, are we actually in control having none at all?
In that moment, that question cant be ask or answered, in the deafening sounds as we lay quiet a while.
I have voiced some and thought often about the end of all things Me, and the stir of doubt and fear all about me rises like the dust before the desert rain.
I have spoke of legacies lost, souls unbidden, dreams unclear, and waxed esoterically about the here and now having been then and there..
Amidst all this… one thing has been left unsaid.
I am… a man who can change the world with his words.
It is bathed in arrogance, such a proclamation, that one can only see an Ego’s fresh shine…
But….. Any that hear me.. any that read Me…even those whom are bent upon a moment to launch a shattering rebuke.. are faced with the certainty that truth wields..
and… if they have courage, will listen, then think.
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Self Reflection… is there anymore an odious concept to which one can prescribe to doing, but in reality are more deceptive to ourselves about and even more so to others. Oh we will espouse our courageous journeys undertaken through its means, and then with scholarly countenance speak of how many our own virtues we discovered, like ancient treasures along the hallowed path of introspection we took.
What we almost never mention, it is what we really found, inside us.
No Self Reflection, is complete without a walk along the dark roads of us.
The place where we find our vices, failings, our petty grudges and lingering resentments, our spitefulness and self loathing, all lurking within us as they are in everyone else.
Then there is the avenues of our sufferings, wounds and scars, lamentations and regrets, this winding on and on, seeming to never end.
It is not for me to say that one cannot find themselves in the shimmering truth of what their own Mirror may show, It is just so very few, even at times myself, will truly own all of what is there before them.
Hindsight is both the most profound proof of man’s intelligence and the Bane of Mankind all at once. Our ability not to simply learn from a mistake, compounded by whatever sense of loss, doubt, or regret…. that propels our actions moving forward, But how we will justify almost anything based on the wounds to our Psyche that mistake has wrought.
To this I will speak of my own actions, as I find myself awash in the reflections of so much of my life in hindsight, and the specter of Sentimental Regret.
What is Sentimental Regret, well I will define it as it pertains to my own world. For me, it is that act of investing my heart and or to laden with guilt, those actions or choices(Many during the life of Sleep Deprivation) that I know.. I should have acted or chose differently.
“If I would have realized it was my last chance, I would…
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