Sentimental Regret. (A Post Biographical Revelation)

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Hindsight is both the most profound proof of man’s intelligence and the Bane of Mankind all at once. Our ability not to simply learn from a mistake, compounded by whatever sense of loss, doubt, or regret…. that propels our actions moving forward, But how we will justify almost anything based on the wounds to our Psyche that mistake has wrought.

To this I will speak of my own actions, as I find myself awash in the reflections of so much of my life in hindsight, and the specter of Sentimental Regret.

What is Sentimental Regret, well I will define it as it pertains to my own world. For me, it is that act of investing my heart and or to laden with guilt, those actions or choices(Many during the life of Sleep Deprivation) that I know.. I should have acted or chose differently.

“If I would have realized it was my last chance, I would…

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The pain that makes us Endure us, Saves no one.

 

20161209_081622Everyone experiences Pain, and at some point, should it not consume us, and in that consumption leave behind a husk of anger and bitter regret, we will most often sentimentalize what has become of us having staved off pain’s hungry efforts upon us.

The bizarre irony, that we seem almost euphoric, to proclaim as loudly as possible, we have been hurt, how much, by what and whom, and that we are still here , and we can now regale any and all with our stories of woe, our elaborate Tales of suffering.

All the while forgetting, what is most important, that those who are still hurting, whom pain is still slowly grinding into grist, or carving away at with some opulent blade as it feeds amidst royal splendor, while its victim abides in desperate squalor.

If you are hurting it can be hard to see the hurt of another, but if you are merely celebrating the memory of a wound, and paying no heed to another, you are likely to just create another wound someplace else in your revelry.

Help the hurting, even if your hurting, sometimes that’s the only way the everyone can heal. If you are lucky enough to have healed from any pain, you know then how precious a gift that can be.

 

In time before I awake..(Excerpt from 10,000 Sleepless Nights)

What Say you

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by Sam Bailey on Saturday, April 25, 2009

(It may all seem A bit romanticized, but If you read till the end, you will see why.)

I am a soul vexed by sleep’s misgivings. In my life I have known so much sorrow from its abandonment of me, and I have accrued a great debt of empty nights by sleep’s fickle denial.

But  there are times when sleep is mine to have, and in those precious moments the dreaming soul of me,  flies free and strong.

My unconscious realm becomes its canvas, my wanting and doubts become It’s colors and brush.  In the background is the symphony of my memories.. their power and depth inspiring all forms of creation, and my spirit defines each masterpiece of the surreal stroke by stroke.

So rare, are these times, when sleep will lay with me, and the artist of my dreams can work, that…

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Emotions that to Me Belong.

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To feel is the tie that binds us to the world. Mankind does not have exclusivity on Emotions, for the whole of the world that lives has feelings of one type or another. Yet it is only man that levies a value on it, and only man whom may labor to craft it and make it meaningless all at once.

We play with them like toys, twist them, for suffering and gain. We can also wield them like weapons, wear them like armor; cutting another to the soul in depth, or shielding us and others as a impenetrable force.

The truth is, Emotions are mans greatest asset.. and most devastating means.

Yet with each of us, there is fact that if embraced, we can live and be at peace with ourselves, and perhaps the world we share.

Our emotions belong to us.

Each and everyone of us.. all are the sole guardian and absolute master of how we feel.

Fear, Guilt, Happiness, Regret, Lust, Mercy, Vengeance, Humility, Shame, Pride, Joy, Hope…. Love………… the list is endless

Every emotion .. we may ever know.. ever feel.. was always ours to decide.

What power it gives us, we create… and when another wields them upon us, it is because we have surrendered their stewardship to them.

We decide what we feel, and what we will be made to feel.

And whatever it is you want to feel.. whenever you would feel it.. whomever you wish to feel it with.. can happen as we want when we truly realize who decides the feelings themselves

They are decided by whom to which they Belong.

Time Taken, Time Lost.(Excerpt from 10,000 Sleepless Nights)

I Often Speak about “Returning to Center” As a way to explain the behavior of some, as they collect themselves amidst their own lives. Here then should that term apply also to me.. both then and now.

What Say you

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by Sam Bailey (Notes) on Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 12:42am

Time…. How much?

Those that have known me..  could reflect on the acuity of this question, as It may relate to me..

I should be one that cherishes every moment,  to bask in each succulent instance as I draw forth the marrow of Life with each passing breath.

I would do this. I would be the flame in the tallow of fates candle.

But I can not, because I beset with memories awash in regret and loss.

I weep for what was.. I wander the halls of my own recollections searching for That which I once was, before I knew of time.

I can not live, what remains mine to live, because always I am  in the midst of life already lived, in the memories of how I lived it.

I would ask of Time, How much remains.. Not…

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Eventually, We all want to go home….

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There are so many  parables, expressions, anecdotes, and clever little phrases that we turned to about taking to some sort of journey.

In fact, most, if not all of us, have some sense of wanderlust within us, a baited sense of adventure, or unrequited childhood fantasy to visit some distant and wonderful land.

For many of us, even myself, much of those inklings, thankfully have been sated. For certain, there are many, oh so many of this worlds wonders, and its peoples I have yet to see and meet, but I have now done my fair share to be sure.

Yet there is really another type of journey, or I should say, another more poignant, more heartfelt part of one, that those of us that have seen and done sometimes lose sight of.

Those wayward, haunted and broken souls, simply trying to find their way home.

I have been on that final leg, So easy it is to forget.. It should be an easy location to mark on a map, the memory of it should as automatic as muscle memory, Yet for some, the Journey they have undertaken.. the terrible places they have gone, the horrible wrong turns, often doubling back, even getting lost .. breaking down.. Its all they can do just to hold on.. to one thought.

“I just want to go Home.”

In the end it is what we all want, what defines it, is something both time  and the journey will change, and in that so shall we. To this I can speak with certainty.

Eventually, We all want to go home.

No matter who, what, or where, that turns out to be.