When Fear is all about you.

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Fear is part of being alive, some measure of it is factored in to nearly every aspect of our daily lives. It takes a myriad of forms. From the ambiguous, such as a random lighting strike(been there, done that), to the benign, (slipping and falling and breaking something… yep.. been there, done that too) To the dubiously required.(life, home, auto, flood, dental insurance). We live our lives in some way, evermore in its presence.

While some of us through life’s conditioning, or careful nurturing, or even genetic uniqueness, do not experience fear in the common fashion. They are the outliers, they typically come in two forms, though with the incredible diversity of division they may vary well beyond my simple characterizations, for the purpose of generalization I shall heap them in two groups.

For some.. Fear, is the great adventure that awaits them, or the looming challenge that will validate them. They are the trap waiting to be sprung; a fury begging to be unleashed. For these individuals.. Fear is the opportunity for hate, and rage and the satisfaction of redemption and validation that can be found.. in an instant unexpected.

For others… fear is the great unknown, and that is a terror that slithers its way into every thought and action. The darkness is a place of paralyzing terror, the light a place where everyone can see a flaw and failure in every pore. To do anything brings the terrible shadow of certain failure. To do nothing is to wait to be mocked and condemned.

Fear.. In either case , in every case, is nothing… but what we make it. It is no more a thought than as any other, it serves no one to any great reward, but does lead to the suffering of nearly all whom it becomes more that a mere thought to be considered.

See, When Fear is all about you, you have to realize, you cannot be All about fear.

Cause in the end Fear is really nothing, and you should never think that you should be to.

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Remembering Why we wanted to Forget.

I can say when I write here, or anywhere, two absolutes are woven onto every word. I write with absolute sincerity of belief that what I say is real to me, and that I give it freely to whoever may read it. My motto
“You can forget me, Just remember what I have said.” If ever this was true, it was when I wrote this.

What Say you

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Each one of us would like to think of ourselves fearless at some point, of something, in the course of lives. It could be something so utterly trivial, like losing to some novice in a game which me have mastered, or a matter of unquestioned certitude, such as the defense of ones child when grave peril shows its face.

These moments, if they have already come upon us, are often indelibly burned into a memory. A fixed point to forever reference so that we might, draw strength from, polish the shelf of it for the sake of nostalgic pride, or to remind us of what we are capable of when we face some great threat.

Then of course, there is the other side of this Boatman’s coin, one of which we will somberly collect through our days. That being those times, and those things in which we knew certain and palpable fear which forever changed our lives and we…

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Remembering Why we wanted to Forget.

dsc01434

Each one of us would like to think of ourselves fearless at some point, of something, in the course of lives. It could be something so utterly trivial, like losing to some novice in a game which me have mastered, or a matter of unquestioned certitude, such as the defense of ones child when grave peril shows its face.

These moments, if they have already come upon us, are often indelibly burned into a memory. A fixed point to forever reference so that we might, draw strength from, polish the shelf of it for the sake of nostalgic pride, or to remind us of what we are capable of when we face some great threat.

Then of course, there is the other side of this Boatman’s coin, one of which we will somberly collect through our days. That being those times, and those things in which we knew certain and palpable fear which forever changed our lives and we are always trying to forget.

The scope and magnitude, reach and consequence, of these instances are by their own nature, irrelevant. For they have and can be so much bigger, last longer, and take a greater toll, than we allow ourselves to believe, admit, understand , accept, or comprehend.

They make us angry, they paralyze, they deceive us, have us mistrust when we should have faith, beguile us when we see what is in front of us a smiling threat.

But worst of all.. they make us forget.. what they were, before they became so much more.

A moment of original fear can be such a terrible thing…. and as it is happening we often are thinking just one thing..

(How do I make this stop, Just let this End)

It does… and often.. and as fast as we can,, we will push down to the first empty space our mind thinks is there and close that door. Erasing it from the here and now.

Where it can, if we let it, Grow Forever.

Because we didn’t  take a deep breath at some point.. when we could and should have.

Remembering Why We Wanted to Forget.

Unknown Unto Dust.. (Excerpt from 10,000 Sleepless Nights)

English: pons. Images are from Anatomography m...

English: pons. Images are from Anatomography maintained by Life Science Databases(LSDB). 日本語: 橋。 画像はLife Science Databases(LSDB)のAnatomographyというサイトより。 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I will speak of an earnest truth, a truth of a fear, that when my days are done, none will be there to gather me.

It is such a strange thing, to be so aware of the end of my days, and know that crucial moment, at any time so near, and  not trouble myself.

Instead I find my thoughts go to a worry that seems both pointless, and inconsequential, what will be done whith what remains of me.

Who will come and collect Me, will I be remembered..

Of those things that were me when  I breathed what will become of them, will they know why I kept them.

Will it all scatter, and will I just fade, Unknown unto dust?

This is a part of me, my deepest fears, that took the form of my writing in 2009. At that time, as is the case now, I struggled with the knowledge that at any time my life could end,(The area of the stroke in the pons is a very dangerous one, and the arachnoid cyst doesn’t help that) and what I will leave behind to this world.

Ten Thousand Sleepless Nights at its core is about coming to terms with that fear, as much as can be with words committed to print. I do not hope it is my legacy, I just want people to know why I feared for my legacy in the first place.