via In time before I awake..(Excerpt from 10,000 Sleepless Nights)
Dodging death sobers you…
via In time before I awake..(Excerpt from 10,000 Sleepless Nights)
Dodging death sobers you…
As a Child, despite the hardships of Sleeplessness, reconstructive surgeries, and the all to frequent broken bone, I was seldom, if ever, unhappy. In fact, I recall with great fondness the joys of my own imagination. This of course never restrained or lessened in any way by my parents, who perhaps saw its purity as my means to ease what they may have seen as much more suffering than a child should bear.
As I spent more days than not, physically bound within the space of a hospital bed, bedroom, house, or a patch of dirt and grass scarcely beyond a front porch, with the endless sky held at bay a by a line of tall pines marking the not so distant other side of the street.
There is no greatness in the child of me that I will lay claim to that allowed for such wonderment that filled by days will flights of fantasy and kept the constraints of the world around me from closing in even further. That would belong to my parents, and on this for the sake of unapologetic pride, I will state as fact.
The point in all this, is that childhood distraction, so carefully nurtured for me, has become my most powerful of life tools now.
To realize any place, I am, no matter where I have let myself come to, where life has taken me, or where I might think I have found myself.. with no other place to go.. I can be.. any place I want, in an instant, and by that find myself right where I want or need to be. And that sometimes, well that can be just a good place to start.
Sometimes imagination isn’t about thinking very big at all. Its about being in that Smallest Space that we find.. and All the wonders we Let ourselves see.
Please help.. This is the child of a dear friend who I have personally witnessed his tireless devotion that has renewed my faith in my fellow man. He and His fiancé, an extraordinary young woman who shows equal measures of love and dedication as well, desperately need this help. please click on link and donate what you can.
This will be a selfish, self serving post.
Why? Cause every now and then I get a case of the ass when it comes to Sleep, or going without it, and what it does to you.(me)
For the record.. I REALLY did go decades without sleep, resulting in lasting permanent damage to my body, a head full of regrets from the person it made me and the gaggle of mistakes I made.
10,000 Sleepless Nights was written, and I hope will be published, as a way to reconcile what I lost to lack of sleep, and how to cope with what I will never recover.
I tell people on occasion about this .. ordeal… and so very often I am dismissed, as they cannot believe what I am saying.
One of these “people” made a comment on the Michael Jackson Story that broke today, having just dismissed me seconds earlier..
Here is the story.
I don’t know why it chapped my ass Like it did. Hell, I rail about relativity being the worse of human traits, and 10,000 Sleepless is about the judgment of others as well as myself on the course of my life without sleep. Yet I took umbrage to it, and showed it,(albeit asininely) and later felt regret for having been so thin skinned.
I also want to add I hate when people minimize a persons suffering by comparing their own(which is what I did earlier and am doing now, so I am in self loathing mode I assure you) because each of us feel pain uniquely, and that suffering should be honored, if for no other reason so that others may honor ours.
I Guess that’s what this is all about for me I suppose, that I wanted my “hurt” acknowledged, as it would be validated, and by that me.
Instead, I came off as an A-hole, and somebody who hates the Late King of Pop, or something like that, which sucks cause I really liked Eddie Murphy in that Video with him…
The lesson in all this, for me, if there is one, is that my hurt isn’t anybody else’s problem, unless I make it one, like today, and the only thing that does is hurt someone else, and that makes me an A-hole, and not when I am trying to be one.
I will speak of an earnest truth, a truth of a fear, that when my days are done, none will be there to gather me.
It is such a strange thing, to be so aware of the end of my days, and know that crucial moment, at any time so near, and not trouble myself.
Instead I find my thoughts go to a worry that seems both pointless, and inconsequential, what will be done whith what remains of me.
Who will come and collect Me, will I be remembered..
Of those things that were me when I breathed what will become of them, will they know why I kept them.
Will it all scatter, and will I just fade, Unknown unto dust?
This is a part of me, my deepest fears, that took the form of my writing in 2009. At that time, as is the case now, I struggled with the knowledge that at any time my life could end,(The area of the stroke in the pons is a very dangerous one, and the arachnoid cyst doesn’t help that) and what I will leave behind to this world.
Ten Thousand Sleepless Nights at its core is about coming to terms with that fear, as much as can be with words committed to print. I do not hope it is my legacy, I just want people to know why I feared for my legacy in the first place.
by Sam Bailey (Notes) on Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 12:42am
Time…. How much?
Those that have known me.. could reflect on the acuity of this question, as It may relate to me..
I should be one that cherishes every moment, to bask in each succulent instance as I draw forth the marrow of Life with each passing breath.
I would do this. I would be the flame in the tallow of fates candle.
But I can not, because I beset with memories awash in regret and loss.
I weep for what was.. I wander the halls of my own recollections searching for That which I once was, before I knew of time.
I can not live, what remains mine to live, because always I am in the midst of life already lived, in the memories of how I lived it.
I would ask of Time, How much remains.. Not in the measure of what is left for me to claim, but how long till I am free of it… in remembrance of how poorly it has been spent.
I hope the answer comes soon, for always It is with me… that question of Time
It has taken years for me to grasp what was lost due to the Apnea. I wrote this in the midst of that struggle to understand what time had been taken from me. As I wrote it, I became suddenly aware of the time I was losing fixating on the Time I had Lost.
This “event” of writing reflects that awareness.
Ghosts of days gone by ,long feared remembrances that will come again and the truth they will lay at our feet. Bittersweet recollections of what we would have done if we could have been the way we wanted and not what we were. Memory.. the hammer and anvil..
On this day though.. I shall forge them anew.. and with each stroke. the smithy song will be heard to me.. and these memories now being cast will be a work that I will not fear.. but celebrate in their artistry
Understanding the pieces of ones own Deconstruction can be a life altering event unto itself. It occurred to me as I examined the parts of me to keep and the ones to replace.. there were some that simply did not exist. I had to “make” them.
This “event” of writing represents that
by Sam Bailey (Notes) on Saturday, June 27, 2009
I struggle with the notion of my own legacy, such as any one whose thoughts burst forth as mine do, and the fear that once I am silenced.. Will I be forgotten….?
It is a wildly arrogant thing, a writer’s immortality, yet I can say that with each passing breath there is the soul’s chant to make a impermeable mark.
To become a lingering whisper on the lips of scholars and fools.
I levy against this selfishness, a real and sincere hope that what will remain of me , will help ease the burdens of some, and open the minds of others.
So as the hands of time reach out ever so slowly to gather me in…I work… word by word to be heard…for though I know My soul is endless… what I have said it is my Will… It be remembered.
This was written the day before I found out results of tests amidst a cancer scare in 2009. The specter of death is both sobering and enlightening. I was changed by it.
What is 10,000 Sleepless nights? A clever catch phrase perhaps? A cryptic reference?
10,000 Sleepless Nights is my odyssey of recollection and introspection into my own life.
In September 2007, I learned that I had suffered a stroke of the pons, sometime in my distant past. The cause and timing are uncertain, though other things point to my childhood. What is certain, is that the area effected is a part of the brainstem where breathing is regulated. In my case, it has caused me very Severe Apnea.
How bad? How big a deal really?
That is the context that I want to best convey.
I have a A.H.I. or the apnea-hypopnea index, of 81.4
What does that number mean?
“AHI, or the apnea-hypopnea index, is a numerical measure that accounts for the number of pauses in your breathing per hour of sleep. It is used to assess the severity of an individual’s sleep apnea. The AHI overlaps with the respiratory disturbance index (RDI), though the latter differs as it includes other minor breathing difficulties. The AHI is part of the report from a standard sleep study for sleep apnea.”*
“The AHI is used to classify the severity of your sleep apnea, according to the following criteria:
(*)By Brandon Peters, M.D.
So here is the context.. I wake up..or am disturbed from sleep 650+ times in a 8 hour night.
There is a typically a total absence of R.E.M. Sleep
“REM sleep Rapid eye movement sleep, desynchronized sleep, paradoxical sleep Neurology A 5 to 20 min segment of a normal sleep cycle, characterized by irregular heart rate and respiration, BP, EEG similar to awake and alert state, involuntary or jerky muscle movement, and higher threshold for arousal; the usual high-amplitude slow brain waves seen by EEG are replaced by rapid eye movement and rapid, low-voltage irregular EEG activity.” *
(*) McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of Modern Medicine. © 2002 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.
There are so many things to list on the effects what an absence of R.E.M. have on the mind and body I could spend days listing them, and still be only touching the surface.
Here is a good link to try and convey.
So That is the context.
By best guess. I have had Apnea for decades, and the severity of it, and the effects of the same, along with it.
30 years.. or more.. without sleep.
or about.. 10,000 Sleepless Nights.
That is where it gets it’s name.
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