In time before I awake..(Excerpt from 10,000 Sleepless Nights)

via In time before I awake..(Excerpt from 10,000 Sleepless Nights)

Dodging death sobers you…

You will remember me, even if what was me is not here anymore.

The best and worst things of the human condition, is how we are drawn to one another. These happenings are so celestial in both their origins and mechanisms. Sometimes, its like a planet to a sun… slowly orbiting, taking comfort in the warmth of the other, though the seasons may change from time to time.. growing ever so slightly cold and distant, eventually there is burst of color and life and we are renewed.

Other times.. We fly past each other suddenly… Our skies light up in wonder… but soon its just gone.. and darkness returns..

Then there are those terrible collisions, two bodies collide and the destructive force obliterates both… leaving collateral damage all around… or more ominous… when we encounter a vortex… that event horizon that draws us in and consumes us……

Rarely do we find that harmony… two bodies dancing in union.. that binary system.. moving along, surround by others in a perfect motion…

Yet the truth, the whole universe is moving.. and no matter what our state.. we need to remember this most of all, until we find our place in it

 

The pain that comes when you trust that in the end, people will be true to who they are, and not what we wanted them to be.

via The pain that comes when you trust that in the end, people will be true to who they are, and not what we wanted them to be.

The Truth only is welcome, when we can make it serve us (A whiskey Lamentation)

Mo Anam Cara…..

What Say you

Everyone seeks a herald of the truth, or a would be earnest keeper, that would serve us best. However, should it reveal our vices, or be some oculist to ensure clarity of  our being, then we fear it would reveal… Us

This endless merry go round… our need of the truth of us to be known.. and at any given moment… the devastation we will wrought.. to ensure, such truth will never come to be.

We ache.. fear.. long.. beg.. lament.. terrorize… wish for… destroy … ache … ruin… hide from…  sabotage… and surrender to… all for the same

THE TRUTH … OF US.

may we never know it… may others break us for it..

But either way.. may we know peace… 

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However you see it in this moment,(Truth) you will never see it that way again.

All our lives we battle our own perspectives. Either it is a desperate rally to cut through the lines of confusion and doubt to see the truth of what we have denied as truth. Or Some harrowing defense to stave off the truth, so we never face it, no matter what price we may pay.

But…  sometimes… we are not the arbiter of our moment of seeing the truth. be it of us, or of something so profound it reveals us..

Sometimes… Life just unleashes Truth upon us.. and we are laid waste by the force of its yield.

We sit the .. our world no more than cinder and ash.. we sit bewildered and confused.

We eventually haphazardly grope at ourselves… to see if all the pieces of us are there…

some times they are.. some times they aren’t.

Slowly we struggle to are feet, and try to find direction, if there is one to find at all, but we are forever changed. We will never see the truth the same way again.

 

 

Taking the Hits, Because you can.

via Taking the Hits, Because you can.   

What became of that person before I became what I have come to be.

We know who we are, or , at least we should, and any given moment that we do, that knowing is bound in who we were, in the where we have come from.

Now this seems a perilous conundrum, rife with unneeded complexity. Yet when that codex is deciphered, It should yield some understandable clues that we can solve the puzzle of us by and large.

This is not what I speak to now.

I am talking about those times when we Know full well, exactly who we are, but we become so fixed on what that means to us, we read into it again , and again,  something else, we literally redefine ourselves in the blindness of our truth, till we are…

not ourselves at all.

The damage is then done…  the simulacrum that has replaced that we knew ourselves to be, Stares at us from the mirror of our soul.. surveying the damage to every part of our lives.

“How did we get here” we ask…

There is no one to answer. We have lost the person who could have.

The person we were, before we became that which we came to be.

The Cruelty of believing.

The torture we exact upon ourselves when we let go of skepticism and objectivity hard earned through our own pain and lessons learned from the same. We, instead, become blind from the waters of optimism, we choose to take to plunge into, because we heed no voice that would call us back from the perilous cliff above it. even, our own.

“Its not like before”

“It will all work out”

Its just not the same”

You don’t know them like I do.”

We have a reason … an excuse.. to fit any desperate plea to call us back from the ledge.

We will leap no matter what.

It is that need for faith, not in someone else but ourselves, that we must hastily reforge. An All consuming need to right and true ourselves.

And so.. do we crash on the rocks…. No, are we washed out to Sea.. no… We flounder.. tread water helplessly, for all to watch.. till we are water logged and spent.

We Just might call for help.. maybe we drown… or we might be blessed with tide and crashed upon the shore, but in the end we will have few moments to reflect on how we came to this moment, when we ignore all, even ourselves in what we chose to believe.

 

That moment when you learn, you are not worth the fight.

People can be callous, indifferent, selfish, or without the will…. to have will for so many things. The range of these situations and circumstances are as diverse as we as individuals.

We anecdote such moments in such ways as “I just don’t have time for it” I really don’t care about it” or “It’s just not worth any more my time”

When we presented as such.. we begrudgingly admit, we may do the same.. with distractions, or hobby, recreation, novelty or the like.

Yet at times… it takes a more ominous and darker tone… like when a relationship or marriage ends.. or when a parent, be it divorce or simply life.. just abandons any effort, instead focusing on the easier and more rewarding part of their lives.. or at the very least.. that part causes the least woe..

This can also happen child to parent, sibling to sibling… Some of us carve out a neat .. comfortable and manageable world where our own conscience never need be revisited.. so whether it be child, parent, partner, loved one or sibling… we can erase them .. usually with the help with someone in our life.. who best prefers our attentions and.. cares little for what our conscience might bear.

But for those who are discarded… they do not cease to exist.. despite their excommunication, and state of non existence.. however justly, or unjustly earned. They abide in a place that few know, and fewer still can ever know the pain of

“Do you remember when I was something to you?”

When Fear is all about you.

 

Fear is part of being alive, some measure of it is factored in to nearly every aspect of our daily lives. It takes a myriad of forms. From the ambiguous, such as a random lighting strike(been there, done that), to the benign, (slipping and falling and breaking something… yep.. been there, done that too) To the dubiously required.(life, home, auto, flood, dental insurance). We live our lives in some way, evermore in its presence.

While some of us through life’s conditioning, or careful nurturing, or even genetic uniqueness, do not experience fear in the common fashion. They are the outliers, they typically come in two forms, though with the incredible diversity of division they may vary well beyond my simple characterizations, for the purpose of generalization I shall heap them in two groups.

For some.. Fear, is the great adventure that awaits them, or the looming challenge that will validate them. They are the trap waiting to be sprung; a fury begging to be unleashed. For these individuals.. Fear is the opportunity for hate, and rage and the satisfaction of redemption and validation that can be found.. in an instant unexpected.

For others… fear is the great unknown, and that is a terror that slithers its way into every thought and action. The darkness is a place of paralyzing terror, the light a place where everyone can see a flaw and failure in every pore. To do anything brings the terrible shadow of certain failure. To do nothing is to wait to be mocked and condemned.

Fear.. In either case , in every case, is nothing… but what we make it. It is no more a thought than as any other, it serves no one to any great reward, but does lead to the suffering of nearly all whom it becomes more that a mere thought to be considered.

See, When Fear is all about you, you have to realize, you cannot be All about fear.

Cause in the end Fear is really nothing, and you should never think that you should be to.